A Cure for the Common Home

Several members of my family have come down with Lostadigit Syndrome. This neuromuscular disorder causes creatures with opposable thumbs to act as though they have none. Symptoms include inability to get clothes in hamper, involuntary shoe tossing, and a complete lack of understanding of how to close a cereal box. One severe case observed involved an eight-year-old boy who actually repelled random household objects, resulting in a neverending trail of socks, toys, and bits of cellophane wrappers from snack foods. If left unchecked, the disease can, in advanced stages, lead to flushing toilet deficiency and extensive CCUB (Crap Crammed Under Beds). As yet, there is no known cure for Lostadigit Syndrome. In this particular home study, Momma-HissyFit, Slamming Doors, and Martyr's Salve mixed liberally with Guilt Trip Serum were all applied, to no avail. The only clinical option available at this point is to treat the symptoms with chocolate, delivered prn round-the-clock to the solitary household member not afflicted with Lostadigit Syndrome. Further study should be applied to how the concept of inertia may play into the origin of the illness and into gene isolation, as some studies show a strong hereditary link, typically passed through the father. Long-term follow-up with patients in clinical trials is crucial, as some reports suggest symptoms may significantly improve or even disappear once all members of the household are over the age of eighteen and move on to their own homes.